I took an extra day off over the long weekend to attempt to regain some sanity. Too bad it didn't work. I woke up Saturday morning stressing about coming in today... apparently it was for good reason. I wasn't even three hours into my day before I was pissed off enough to want to throttle the first person to walk by me. You'd think my years of seniority would mean something. Apparently not.

(I will make it through the day without trying to strangle anyone... I will make it through the day without trying to strangle anyone... I will make it through the day without trying to strangle anyone...)

I was close to getting rid of my website and with it the blog. Despite the number of times I thought about it though, I just never got around to it. Maybe I have some sort of sentimental attachment I wasn’t aware of? Either way, not writing was all a part of going into hiding for a couple of months. It wasn’t something I intended to do and something I didn’t realize I was doing until recently. There have been ups and downs since March and definitely a lot of change… all of which I’ve been trying to balance out.

Weighing most heavily on my mind, at least over the past two months, has been my job. I just passed my seven year anniversary and can honestly say I have never been more frustrated. It’s not just one thing that’s been grating my nerves. There have been some big waves of change and somehow, I have been the one to come out on the losing side. There was an effort made to placate me but I came away with the feeling it was nothing more than an attempt to shut me up. It almost worked! I calmed down and felt a tiny smidge better… until the tide picked back up last week. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m mostly miserable and yet I know I won’t find a job with the pay and the perks that I’m receiving now. At least I’m not alone in this feeling. I can feel that much in the atmosphere. I just hope something is done before the dominoes start falling faster.

I’ve been so focused on job stress that everything else seems to have fallen to the wayside. But, who knows? There may be a change on the wind.

Frick on a Stick. I am so tired right now and I have to stay until 5:00. UGH! I just want to go home, throw on shorts and a Tee-shirt and plant myself in front of the television. I bought God of War II today and I'm itching to get home and play. Don't know how far I'll get this weekend given my current exhaution and my inability to wake up and get to work on time this week, but as long as I get some time in I'll be happy.

I've decided that I must start a new spare-change jar in the effort of sending me to NY to see Les Mis while Lea Salonga is playing the role of Fantine. I love Les Mis, I love Lea, I loved Lea as Eponine (though I only experienced that through the 10th Anniversary Dream Cast recording), so it's a goal I really, really, really, really want to accomplish. Why does the money I get for my seven year anniversary at work have to come a month after she is currently set to play through? *sigh*.

On the plus side, my job is now paying for my dental insurance on top of the medical.... hey... that gives me an idea... the money I would be paying for dental can be placed into the spare-change jar! Woo Hoo! It might only be a small dent in the amount I will need but, dammit, it's something!

How do you explain the hard to explain? See, every now and then I am overwhelmed with the feeling that Situation X will happen. X, in my case, is a variable. Sometimes it relates to a place, sometimes a person... sometimes it's something I would like to happen, other times it's something I dread happening. It always happens out of the blue and it's rarely based on anything actively occuring in my life. Regardless though, my odd little brain tells me it's something that will happen and so far, I've always ended up being right. There's no way to describe how strong and sure I am of these unbidden thoughts. A little touch of the sixth sense? Perhaps. Apparently it runs through my mother's side of the family. I'm not sure I like it though. That feeling of "knowing" leads to feeling anticipation and sometimes I start waiting for something that won't happen for years. Now, it's not something I experience all of the time. I've had it happen only a handful of times, actually, but a feeling sprung on me not too long ago and it's annoying the crap out of me. I can't help but wonder how and when and if I'm even right this time... but in a way, I kind of hope I am...

Having decided to finally go ahead and get internet in the apartment I figured I should go ahead and update my imaginary blog readers. Has really been almost 3 months since I last posted? Wow. In that time, I survived my first Thanksgiving without my dad, moved, had the first post-shock Christmas without my dad, fell asleep early on New Years eve, had the family over on New Years day, drove down to Tucson to see frrends I haven't seen in years, got another cat, turned 30, had a cold and lost my voice for the first time ever, have started thinking of a new music project with my sister, missed a slew of hockey games, and decided the paths Scott and I were on are too different to be compatible. We have since stopped hanging out.

Some how it seems like more happened and I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things, but I think that makes for a good recap. My holidays were surprisingly okay this year. Not great, but my family and I really did a lot to enjoy what we could. Every year is another step. I also had the added distraction of moving. Getting into my own place was the change I needed to make in my life and it's done me a lot of good. It helped to realize how much I've accomplished by myself. I've been at my job for 6.5 years, got my car, am fixing my credit (which I screw up when I was 18-21), and moved into my own apartment. And I'm not just skimping by. It's an empowering feeling and I take pride in who I've become through all of this. Sure there are times when I bemoan not having a meaningful relationship and there were more than a few times where I could have just settled but I didn't. I pushed through and am fully self-sufficient. I have gained strength and confidence, all of which will only make and future connections more meaningful.

And that was another episode of me waxing-poetic. Next week back to the normal rants, complaints and bitches.

Sweet Rascal, you were dealt a cruel blow in a moment of ill luck but you were a trooper until the end. I'll miss you buddy.

Updates on yesterday's post:

The apartment thing is official. My move in date is December 1. I have a lot to do before then and no clue where to start. My head is spinning. I would probably be a lot more enthusiastic but...

Rascal: He's not doing as well as he was last week. He doesn't seem to be healing from his infection. They've started him on a new antibiotic and we're going to up our visits to twice a day. We'll give it a couple of days and depending upon how things go... there may be a tough decision in my mother's future. It's a vicious circle. A big part of the reason he isn't healing is because he's depressed. He depressed because he can't come home. He can't come home because he isn't healing. When I left yesterday, he looked SO sad. And yes, I cried. If only I could pour some of my strentgh into him. Rascal is definitely weighing on my mind far more than the apartment. I love that dog. He's so sweet, lovable and just wonderful. He was so healthy and so happy before the accident. It kills me to think his time may be running out. At the same time though, it kills me to think of him suffering. And along with that, It's been such a tough year for my mother and I'd hate to see her now lose her little buddy. I also don't want to see Mac lose his 'brother'. I feel helpless because all I can do is hope for the best...

Randomness:

Rascal: My mother's dogs escaped her yard about 2 weeks ago and one of them, Rascal, was run over (yes, run over) by a car. Given the speed with which we were notified, we gratefully assume the poor person who hit him was the one who brought him into the humane society (a microchip success story). His pelvis was broken and had to be surgically repaired. After a couple of days, he was taken off IV fluids and eating so he was able to go home with steroids and painkillers. However, he is back at the vet. Walking just hurt him too much. Plus, there's an area of skin on one of his hind legs that was severely infected. It had to be lanced and drained and the dead skin had to be cut off. He had more surgery at the end of last week to suture some of the wounds. Poor little guy. Our wonderful vet has called us every day and we've been visiting Rascal just as often. When my mom's other dog Mac went in to be groomed, he was also able to visit (he was so insanely happy... he misses his buddy at home!). It seems he's finally turned the corner though, and should be back home again within the week.

S: Well, S is an idiot. He still resembles a friend but that makes him no less of an idiot. I do not and will not play games nor will I allow myself to fall prey to someone who does. I've been down that road before... many times. Difference this time is that I am now strong enough not to allow myself to get swept up in it.

Apartment search: seems to have ended with my decision on a complex. Now it's just a matter of the paper work and whatnot. It was nice having the luxury of time to nitpick about complexes. Once S (LJ's S) moved in with us, I was able to start the methodical research to find the best balance of price, amenities, and good tenant ratings. I had narrowed it down to two and was leaning towards the other one before I decided I'm not really fond of how their front office works. If I'm dissatisfied while they should be looking to gain me as a tenant, how will I feel once I sign the contract?

The hockey game hasn't even started yet and I'm ready to go home and go to sleep. Oy. I think this will be one of the games where I leave early. I'm getting old.